Viudasgirl’s Weblog
Just another WordPress.com weblogso tired…
I never write on this post like I had hoped. No time, no time to write. My time is filled with kid activities (hockey & dance), laundry, job searching, keeping up with the household.
I’ve been sick lately which has not helped. I’m missing my husband so terribly right now. I know that if he was here he would just jump in and take over and he would have been sweet to me. He may have rubbed my head or rented me a movie. I know he would have made me dinner. He would have ran all the errands tonight, paid the bills, did the laundry, ran our daughter to dance class and put the kids to bed. He would have been happy to do it. It’s eight o’clock and the kids are sleeping and here I sit in this quiet house all alone. No one to cuddle with, no one to talk to. — Missing my best friend and the man I’ve spent the last ten years with.
Yes, I could ask a neighbor to come help me but then I just feel bad because they have their own lives to manage, their own kids to take care of. Frankly I just don’t want to ask either. If my husband was here I wouldn’t have to ask.
I’m hoping to feel better, and stronger tomorrow. I’m trying to accept the life I now have but it is so unappealing.
I love fall
I love fall…
I love the crispness in the air, the sound of blowing leaves, the radiant colors bursting from the landscape.
I guess beauty comes from everything right before it dies.
It was nice to take time to enjoy the sights today…
Hopefully I will tomorrow too.
okay today…
I can honestly say that I feel okay today. I can’t quite explain it. It is such a relief, a break, a complete foreign feeling for me. I’ve had thoughts of sadness enter my mind but I was able to push them aside. I was able to tell “those feelings” to go away.
I’m trying not to think too much about it rather I am trying to enjoy my peace from it. Still I can’t help wondering when I will lose this okay feeling. ???????????
this sucks…
I’m not sure if it is the one year anniversary date to my husband’s death that is soon approaching that scares me or makes me realize that it really happened. A year has almost gone by and I can’t quite grasp how. The weather is getting colder, the leaves are starting to change and I can remember everything that I was doing last year at the same time. However I can’t remember what I did a month ago, a week ago, or even two days ago. I feel as if I’m floating through “life.” I do have a few precious moments but not enough to be happy for long.
I wonder sometimes how I survived the first few months after my husband died. I think I just became really busy which was either a coping mechanism or a distraction from the permanent situation. Now I’m starting to get back to reality…dealing with budgeting, trying to set and make some plans and it just sucks. I keep realizing that some of the things I did in those early days were to help me get through another day. Now I also realize that I can’t keep living like that. Unfortunately the budget gets a little tighter and the rest of the world demands some sort of structure, commitments. I still feel like I’m floating in a bubble. I still think I hear my husband’s truck approaching our house. I still ask myself if “it” really happened. Just the other night I was trying to think of someone’s name and I caught myself ready to say ” I will have to ask my husband what the name was.”
So I’ve been forced to get back to some sort of normalcy. I do it for the kids sake but I feel like I’m drowning inside. I realized I’m alone. I’m totally alone in this. Okay I know I have a great family and great friends but I don’t have my husband. I don’t have the normalcy, the predictability, the security. Now I’m left looking for that type of life again. Where does a widow start. I mean does my match.com site say — I’m a widow with lots of emotional baggage and I have two small children. Ohhhhhh now that sounds like a tempting first liner. Not to mention I’ve never dated. Where does a widower begin to search for something that they already had. Am I even ready to date?
This just sucks!!
my day…
I haven’t wrote for awhile…
I’ve been busy. My children started school so I have been busy getting everything organized, and dealing with the emotions of yet another transition. I didn’t cry on the first day but rather the 4th day of school. I’m not sure what the delay was but I only cried for a brief three minutes and I told myself to hold “my shit” together and get over it. I have bigger worries to think about. Besides the kids seem to love school and I’m really happy with the school I chose for them.
Last Friday my good friend from grade school came over to sit with me so I could try to organize my financial shit. She was a lot of help and it was so nice to have someone to sit with me while I talked about everything. I’ve now invested three whole days to dealing with paperwork, social security, banking and every other annoying thing I have been putting off. Maybe this picture will give you an idea of some of the organizing that had to be done.
I can’t believe how long this crap takes. Honestly — three days and I don’t know how many hours that I’ve already spent on shit like this. I totally lost my cool over the phone to some poor unfortunate soul yesterday. I was so tired of entering all my information over the phone just to have to repeat it all over again after I finally was able to talk with a human voice and not an automated one that can’t understand that I was born in 1977 not 1918. My goal was to set up my bill pay to automatically pay my house payment since I forgot to pay it in July. Yes I forgot — I’ve never forgot anything major like that in my life. Never! So I’m trying to get my bill pay set up and of course it doesn’t work so I call the bank and go through the question and answer game until the banker could pull up my account. He says “I don’t get the bill pay system either let me transfer you.” So I get transfered to another lady and go through the question and answer system for security purposes and she tells me she can’t help me either. She then takes my number and calls back an hour and a half later with a different number to call. So I call the other 800 number and go through the automated system, finally reach a human voice and repeat my information and answer all of his questions. I’m then told that my husband is the only one listed on my “joint checking account” and that he will have to call back to add my name to the bill pay account. This is when I lost it…
I said well my husband won’t be calling because he is dead. He is no longer listed on my “joint checking” account it is only in my name. He preceded to tell me he could not help me and that I would have to once again call my bank that I had already talked to twice. I said “Could you just give me a fucking break. I’ve been on the phone all day and I just want to set up my mortgage payment automatically so I don’t fucking forget to pay it because I’m grieving my dead husband. I’m sorry but I’m 31 and this really sucks and I just need a break. Sorry to take it out on you but this sucks and thank you and goodbye.” I hung up then and wondered what that guy thought of me. Realized he probably thought I was crazy which wasn’t far from the truth at that point in time.
Some easier days…
I’m not sure why or even how but I’ve found the last couple of days to not be quite so hard. I have looked at numerous pictures and still I didn’t fall apart like I have in the past. Part of me wonders if that is good or if it is bad. Am I moving ahead? I guess in some ways I am because I keep trying new things, I keep trying to do the right things for my children. Sometimes I wish there was a plan to follow so I wouldn’t have to wonder so much. I think I will just feel relieved to not be feeling like shit because tomorrow may bring those feelings.
scared…
When I’m not filling up my time entertaining two kids, cleaning or taking care of all the other household duties I find I stop and feel really fucking scared. How am I going to do this? What will my life be like? Will I go through the next 60+ years just running around and never feeling happy again? When will this dark, dreary cloud leave my side?
How am I going to make all the right decisions? When I screw up who will help me pick up the pieces?
Can I find happiness that will last longer than half a day? Can I find a place where I want to be in the world?
So many unknowns, so many questions…
widowed & single
As I was eating breakfast this morning I was thinking about all of the new experiences I have had as a new widow.
Let’s start with the positives… Yes, I still look for some form of positivity in the shit world that I now live in.
I have accomplished running my first half marathon. No I never ran in my life before but it seems I have some anger issues that help me to run two hours and forty-six minutes.
I have spent more time with my girlfriends and have even made some new friends! I’m enjoying the girl time yet resent them when they bitch about their husbands.
I’ve now taken some trips to California, Vegas, and the Dominican Republic.
I tiled my master bathroom with the help of a good friend. I’m still acting as the General Contractor finishing our unfinished house.
Other enjoyments to becoming a widower are my new enemies and my new accomplishments:
Power tools — I have now hung curtain rods, numerous picture frames and next on the list will be towel bars.
In the midst of cooking, cleaning and oh yes grieving, I have now gotten to use the above tool more than once to tighten training wheels, seats and whatever else has fallen off of my son’s bike.
Do you know what this is?
It is my husband’s 20 gallon air compressor that is noisy as shit. And I figured out how it worked when I decided to buy a $30 pool for my backyard. My counselor told me I should find a way to incorporate water fun in my backyard since that was something my kids and husband and I enjoyed so much. I’m still trying to figure out if the $30 pool really compares to the 21′ Sea Ray we had on the river. The kids seem to be okay with it so I guess I shouldn’t resent the fact that it is one more thing I do not do anymore.
My next big purchase this summer was a new lawn mower. Yes my beloved “Yardman” with electric start. The key works great when you have the battery charged…hence that has only been once so far this summer. So I’ve had to pull that stupid cord thing. One time my neighbor “man” had to walk to my house and start it. The other times after about 10 pulls and a lot of swear words followed by a few kicks I got it started on my own. Success–lawn has been mowed. No edging done though I’m too scared of the weed whacker thing. I’m sure my new neighbors behind me are not appreciating my uneven lines and long grass around the fence and every other area I can not cut with the mower. Of course they bag their grass clippings, and cut at a perfect diagonal. Fuck em!
Do you think Sears could change this to CRAFTSWOMAN? I think I’m doing pretty good at being crafty since my husband passed away. After all how many women can work the above tools, make a decent meal, take care of two small children, clean, do laundry, run a 1/2 marathon, finish completing a bathroom, staircase, painting, and still read a god damned love story at the end of the day.
If Rosie can do it I think I can too! Even if I do not want to.
This is my new family motto!!!
can’t sleep
Why is it that when my husband was alive I was always so tired. He never slept more than five hours a night. I always went to sleep before ten while he sat on the couch watching movies. He would also always wake up in the early morning hours and get his coffee and read. I of course slept in as long as possible. I think he was annoyed with me because I wanted my sleep.
Now he is gone and I find myself staying up until 12 or 2 am. Why? I went to bed at 11 last night but now I’m up at 3:30 in the morning. I’m still tired but can not sleep.
Sorry hon, I wish I would have stayed up with you at night. I wish I would have enjoyed waking up with you earlier on the weekends to start our day. I wish now I could be with you.
10 months, 1 day ago
Ten months and one day since my husband left for a typical day at work. We were happy about his new job assignment because he was located close to home and it was going to be a three year project. He worked in construction so this was great news!
I will never forget the call I received around noon that day…My husband had been severely burned and was in ICU. Exactly two weeks of hope, positive results, and determination all taken away in a matter of minutes after an emergency surgery. The doctor had been in the waiting room when his pager had gone off. He was telling me the surgery had gone well and that my husband would be back in his room soon. For some reason I knew that when the Doctor got the page that it was not good. Why did I suspect that? He said that the nurses were trying to revive my husband. He left the room and I ran out of the waiting room and paced. I do not usually pray but I must have said a million Our Father’s. Sometimes I think really stupid thoughts that my husband died that evening because I couldn’t exactly remember how to say the prayer.
When the doctor entered the waiting room he just shook his head and I collapsed. I was crying and shaking my head no. I have no idea how long I sat in the fetal position on the floor of the waiting room. I briefly remember my parents hugging me, my mother-in-law crying by a chair. I know I felt sick and had to be pushed in a wheelchair to a room in the basement of the hospital to say my goodbyes to my husband. I remember 20+ relatives watching me and crying.
I won’t go into the details of saying goodbye, it is somewhat personal and also fucking weird to be with the dead body of someone you loved. It is indescribable and yet seems at the time to not even be real.
more later…have children to take care of
Viudasgirl's Weblog 