this sucks…

September 22, 2008 at 9:54 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

I’m not sure if it is the one year anniversary date to my husband’s death that is soon approaching that scares me or makes me realize that it really happened.  A year has almost gone by and I can’t quite grasp how.  The weather is getting colder, the leaves are starting to change and I can remember everything that I was doing last year at the same time.  However I can’t remember what I did a month ago, a week ago, or even two days ago.  I feel as if I’m floating through “life.”  I do have a few precious moments but not enough to be happy for long.  

I wonder sometimes how I survived the first few months after my husband died.  I think I just became really busy which was either a coping mechanism or a distraction from the permanent situation.  Now I’m starting to get back to reality…dealing with budgeting, trying to set and make some plans and it just sucks.  I keep realizing that some of the things I did in those early days were to help me get through another day.  Now I also realize that I can’t keep living like that.  Unfortunately the budget gets a little tighter and the rest of the world demands some sort of structure, commitments.  I still feel like I’m floating in a bubble.  I still think I hear my husband’s truck approaching our house.  I still ask myself if “it” really happened.  Just the other night I was trying to think of someone’s name and I caught myself ready to say ” I will have to ask my husband what the name was.”

So I’ve been forced to get back to some sort of normalcy.  I do it for the kids sake but I feel like I’m drowning inside.  I realized I’m alone.  I’m totally alone in this.  Okay I know I have a great family and great friends but I don’t have my husband.  I don’t have the normalcy, the predictability, the security.  Now I’m left looking for that type of life again.  Where does a widow start.  I mean does my match.com site say — I’m a widow with lots of emotional baggage and I have two small children.  Ohhhhhh now that sounds like a tempting first liner.  Not to mention I’ve never dated.  Where does a widower begin to search for something that they already had.  Am I even ready to date? 

This just sucks!!

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my day…

September 10, 2008 at 3:54 am · Filed under Uncategorized

I haven’t wrote for awhile…

I’ve been busy.  My children started school so I have been busy getting everything organized, and dealing with the emotions of yet another transition.  I didn’t cry on the first day but rather the 4th day of school.  I’m not sure what the delay was but I only cried for a brief three minutes and I told myself to hold “my shit” together and get over it.  I have bigger worries to think about.  Besides the kids seem to love school and I’m really happy with the school I chose for them.  

Last Friday my good friend from grade school came over to sit with me so I could try to organize my financial shit.  She was a lot of help and it was so nice to have someone to sit with me while I talked about everything.  I’ve now invested three whole days to dealing with paperwork, social security, banking and every other annoying thing I have been putting off.  Maybe this picture will give you an idea of some of the organizing that had to be done.

I can’t believe how long this crap takes.  Honestly — three days and I don’t know how many hours that I’ve already spent on shit like this.  I totally lost my cool over the phone to some poor unfortunate soul yesterday.  I was so tired of entering all my information over the phone just to have to repeat it all over again after I finally was able to talk with a human voice and not an automated one that can’t understand that I was born in 1977 not 1918.  My goal was to set up my bill pay to automatically pay my house payment since I forgot to pay it in July.  Yes I forgot — I’ve never forgot anything major like that in my life.  Never!  So I’m trying to get my bill pay set up and of course it doesn’t work so I call the bank and go through the question and answer game until the banker could pull up my account.  He says “I don’t get the bill pay system either let me transfer you.”  So I get transfered to another lady and go through the question and answer system for security purposes and she tells me she can’t help me either.  She then takes my number and calls back an hour and a half later with a different number to call.  So I call the other 800 number and go through the automated system, finally reach a human voice and repeat my information and answer all of his questions.  I’m then told that my husband is the only one listed on my “joint checking account” and that he will have to call back to add my name to the bill pay account.  This is when I lost it…

I said well my husband won’t be calling because he is dead.  He is no longer listed on my “joint checking” account it is only in my name.  He preceded to tell me he could not help me and that I would have to once again call my bank that I had already talked to twice.  I said “Could you just give me a fucking break.  I’ve been on the phone all day and I just want to set up my mortgage payment automatically so I don’t fucking forget to pay it because I’m grieving my dead husband.  I’m sorry but I’m 31 and this really sucks and I just need a break.  Sorry to take it out on you but this sucks and thank you and goodbye.”  I hung up then and wondered what that guy thought of me.  Realized he probably thought I was crazy which wasn’t far from the truth at that point in time.

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Some easier days…

September 4, 2008 at 3:27 am · Filed under Uncategorized

I’m not sure why or even how but I’ve found the last couple of days to not be quite so hard.  I have looked at numerous pictures and still I didn’t fall apart like I have in the past.  Part of me wonders if that is good or if it is bad.  Am I moving ahead?  I guess in some ways I am because I keep trying new things, I keep trying to do the right things for my children.  Sometimes I wish there was a plan to follow so I wouldn’t have to wonder so much.  I think I will just feel relieved to not be feeling like shit because tomorrow may bring those feelings.

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