Ten months and one day since my husband left for a typical day at work.  We were happy about his new job assignment because he was located close to home and it was going to be a three year project.  He worked in construction so this was great news!  

I will never forget the call I received around noon that day…My husband had been severely burned and was in ICU.  Exactly two weeks of hope, positive results, and determination all taken away in a matter of minutes after an emergency surgery.  The doctor had been in the waiting room when his pager had gone off.  He was telling me the surgery had gone well and that my husband would be back in his room soon.  For some reason I knew that when the Doctor got the page that it was not good.  Why did I suspect that?  He said that the nurses were trying to revive my husband.  He left the room and I ran out of the waiting room and paced.  I do not usually pray but I must have said a million Our Father’s.  Sometimes I think really stupid thoughts that my husband died that evening because I couldn’t exactly remember how to say the prayer.  

When the doctor entered the waiting room he just shook his head and I collapsed.  I was crying and shaking my head no.  I have no idea how long I sat in the fetal position on the floor of the waiting room.  I briefly remember my parents hugging me, my mother-in-law crying by a chair.  I know I felt sick and had to be pushed in a wheelchair to a room in the basement of the hospital to say my goodbyes to my husband.  I remember 20+ relatives watching me and crying.  

I won’t go into the details of saying goodbye, it is somewhat personal and also fucking weird to be with the dead body of someone you loved.  It is indescribable and yet seems at the time to not even be real.  

more later…have children to take care of